


Consequences

by SpiritLock



Series: Amber and Ice [6]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dark, F/M, Heavy Angst, Inquisitor's brother, Minor Violence, Psychological Trauma, Red Templars, past pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-11 17:48:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5636188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiritLock/pseuds/SpiritLock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lia and Cullen face the consequences of their choices and actions, after Lia learns what might have happened to her brother at Therinfal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This piece is linked to the plot in Duality. It is quite dark and can be uncomfortable.
> 
> Many, many thanks to Eravalefantasy for guidance, and help in tightening up the wording. I'm also extremely grateful to Leasalla who encouraged me to keep going with this story.

Lia readied her mount in the stables. She had to find out, see for herself, see if there was anything left behind after the Chargers scouted Therinfal Redoubt. And she was still feeling resentful of people who thought they knew what was best for her. It wasn’t the first time in her life, but it would be the last.

The anger that began at Halamshiral was now a constant companion, waxing and waning with her frustrations. She could curb it, but it never left her. Lia had only one focus now, and until she’d achieved her goal, she knew it wouldn’t go. Ever since that night in Cullen’s room, her control wasn’t as good as it had been. Something in her had changed.

Even Dorian worried about her.

“I’m sure they had the best of intentions, Li. Don’t you think you might be overreacting?” Dorian ventured gently. He was concerned her response was more than the situation warranted. 

“So I’m supposed to hear it from Florianne’s mouth, rather than my advisors? Do you think that was right? I don’t. And how am I supposed to trust what they tell me now is everything I need to know? If they want to run this Inquisition, let them, but don’t put the bloody sword into my hand and tell me I’m the Inquisitor.” 

Her anger swelled, and Lia stopped, letting it deflate before she spoke again. She had to be calmer, she had to be clear. “If my brother is a Red Templar, this is something I needed to know. If he’s still alive I need to know that too. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, do you?” she demanded, but with a more measured tone.

He couldn’t disagree with that, but warned her against being too rash. 

“Don’t go off half-cocked, Li. They understand you’re upset, they will do their jobs and tell you everything. Just let them,” he sighed.

When she set her mind on something, there was little anyone could do to sway her. Even her best friend.

\------------------------------------------------------------- 

“You poor deluded thing. You don’t know half of what Samson and I have planned. Pity you will miss the family reunion.” Florianne taunted.

That was the start, the seed planted in Lia’s head. They were too busy trying to stay alive then, but afterwards she realised what that meant.

She had always assumed Loren died at the Conclave. She had no reason to think he wasn’t there, although they’d lost touch when Ostwick fell. He’d gone with the Templars, she with a group of mages who didn’t join the rebels. The whole Mage-Templar war played out between them in miniature, without violence and plenty of Trevelyan restraint. However estranged they’d become, Lia still owed him much. He had been there for her when she needed a friend. As much as he disapproved of her actions, she was family. 

As soon as she’d finished trying to sort out the Orlesian Empire, or more accurately blackmailing Celene, Gaspard and Briala to work together, she’d sought her advisors. She needed them to find the truth in Florianne’s words. It was only when she asked and saw hesitation and awkward glances, it was obvious to her they all knew. All of them including Cullen.

Leliana spoke first. “Inquisitor, we intended to tell you after Halamshiral. We only have the briefest of information. His name on a list from Therinfal. We don’t know if he was turned, or if he is still alive,” she said, watching Lia’s face.

“Well, Florianne beat you to that, it seems. However little, you should have told me. Is there anything else you neglected to tell me? Something I might find out at the least appropriate time?” she shot back angrily.

“No, Inquisitor,” replied Cullen firmly. 

Josie said nothing as Lia looked at her.

“I don’t think this is the place for further discussion, we’ll reconvene back at Skyhold,” she said curtly and walked away. 

She didn’t believe them, the anger was getting the better of her. She had to be on her own, compose herself before she opened her mouth and said something she couldn’t take back. They were her advisors and she still had to work with them.

Cullen came to find her later. He barged into her room without knocking. Had he knocked, she would have sent him away. Perhaps he assumed that, she didn’t find out, they never got that far with their conversation. Her anger had abated, but it was still there, sitting inside her. And his words just flared it up again.

She saw him hesitate, seeing her dressed in the same nightdress when he made her stand in the Great Hall that night. But the Lia standing before him wasn’t the submissive one he’d seduced. His gaze flicked back up to her face as he strode over to her.

“What we did was carried out under the best of intentions, Li. You know we would not deceive you. We wanted to give you space to deal with the Winter Place, Maker knows it was difficult enough to negotiate. The news about Loren in the back of your mind could have been an unnecessary distraction,” he admitted, looking for her to understand their motivation.

Lia wasn’t ready to hear about what they thought was best. “So that’s the excuse is it? Poor feeble Lia couldn’t cope with too much in her head. Do you the three of you trust me to do this job or not? If you think I’m weak, maybe you should find yourself another Inquisitor. Just send me out when you need a rift closing.” Her tone was bitter, the anger barely veiled in her voice.

She turned away, but Cullen caught her arm.

“Li, what’s wrong with you? This isn’t like you,” he responded, worried.

“You don’t say. Try coping with it. It’s not been the same since that night when...” She stopped herself, biting back the rest of her words. When you nearly strangled me.

It was unfair, and she knew it hurt him, but her anger at him wouldn’t let her apologise. He let go of her arm and walked out. The look on his face revealed everything. Nothing more passed between them until they were back to Skyhold. 

Lia could only think of Loren and what she needed to do. She condemned her brother to this fate by choosing to work with the mages and if they intended to use him against her, she needed to know. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damn consequences, nothing came without them. 

Like dominoes falling, each event led to the next to get her to this point. Being angry at her advisors, Florianne taunting her, her choosing to work with the mages, her being at the Conclave. And right back, the reason why she was singularly concentrated on finding out about Loren.

She leaned her head against the saddle and tried to draw back the tendrils of frustration rising. Calm, she needed to be calmer, anger wouldn’t help.

“You shouldn’t go alone,” a voice came from behind her. Cole.

“I’ve done many things I shouldn’t, Cole. Therinfal is quiet, they’ve all gone. It’ll be fine,” she replied dismissively.

“I won’t let you go alone,” his hand on hers, making her pause. “I’m coming too,” his voice louder now.

Lia sighed, she wanted to do this on her own with no distractions and no-one trying to stop her.

“You’re not safe from yourself. The anger will become too much, bubbling, seething, waiting to claim you. You will need my help. Let me.” Cole’s voice was soothing now and eased her. 

He was right. She was angry, rash, impetuous, irrational, and she couldn’t stop. “Ok,” she replied, “Get ready and then we go.”

“Already done,” he said, his voice normal again.

Of course he was, a quiet ‘hah’ escaping involuntarily from her in response.

“Alright, let’s go.” They both headed out to the gates.

Lia spoke with the gate guard and he let them through. They were on their way.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the following day after their return from Halamshiral that she called the War Council together for a meeting late afternoon. She had a single directive for them.

“Find out all you can about my brother, Knight-Captain Loren Trevelyan. Question Florianne; threaten her if you have to. Tell the bitch I’ll take her head if she doesn’t talk. Go through all the documents we found, pull in whatever favours we are owed, use blackmail if you must. And I want to know everything. Please don’t fuck with me again. I trust I’ve made myself clear.” 

Lia looked at the three of them. She knew this was extreme, but finding out about her brother was critical. Josie’s look of shock, Cullen’s annoyance and Leliana’s expressionless face, save for a raised eyebrow told Lia the message was received.

“Thank you,” she added and walked out, heading back to her room. 

Lia had barely got to the landing before her room when she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Heavy, angry footsteps. She looked down to see Cullen heading up the stairs, moving fast. By the time she got her door open, he was there, yelling at her.

“What is wrong with you? This is beyond upset, you’re antagonistic.”

“You think?” she replied, her voice hard. “Tell me, Cullen, how would you react if this was Mia or Branson or Rosalie? And you had to face the possibility that you may need to kill them.” She saw his face register surprise.

“You may not have already reached that conclusion, but I have, and so has Leliana. Ask her. You want to know what else drives me? Ask her for my file, she has a frightening amount of information on me, according to Cass. My whole life is on the record, Cullen. I give you permission to look at everything.” Lia turned to go, but he grabbed her arm.

“No, I’m not walking away this time, whatever you say, and however much you try to push me.” His grip on her arm was as firm as his voice. “I want you to tell me what is in there, what you want me to see.” 

Lia twisted her arm backward and used her body to back him into the door. 

“No,” she said roughly. She watched as his eyebrows furrowed, he wasn’t used to her being aggressive like this. “You should leave, I’ve nothing more to say,” she snapped, scowling at him.

“Not until you talk to me. I’m not leaving until I have an answer,” he insisted, his jaw set. Always so stubborn. He wasn’t going to give way.

She was angry, but her body pressed up against his ignited her desire for him. Funny how the two went together. But she knew if she succumbed, she might tell him what he wanted to know. And she didn’t want to; she didn’t want to see his face when he found out, because she wasn’t sure how he would react. 

Lia stepped back, breathed in, and spoke, trying to moderate her tone this time. “I know what you’re doing. You think because I forced you to reconsider, it will work with me. Cullen, it won’t. So save us both the trouble and just go, now.”

Lia assumed that would be the end of it, it wasn’t. 

“I told you, not until you talk to me,” he answered, standing his ground.

Lia lost control, raised her hand but before she could connect with his cheek, Cullen grabbed her arm. Now holding both arms, he spun her, pulling both arms down before crashing her against the door, knocking the breath from her. She was pressed up against him and in danger of losing to the heat rising alongside her anger.

Having no other method of response, she moved her head forward to hit him with it, he dodged and she cracked her forehead against his chin. 

“Li, have you gone mad? Sweet Maker, just stop!” he shouted at her.

Lia was fired up and shaking. She wanted him to leave and did not understand why couldn’t he get the message. Her forehead hurt too. She tried again, her voice louder, if somewhat unsteady.

“Cullen, walk away. Whatever you think you want to achieve, it’s only making it worse. I will hurt you.”

She watched, waiting for his reaction. He stared at her, let go and walked away. She let out a deep exhale, closed her eyes, and let the anger settle, before closing the door and going up to her room. That was the last she saw of him before she left.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Cullen was right, she probably was mad, all that she could see was finding out about her brother. She was driven by one objective, and she was burning bridges as she pursued it; although she could be singular about things, even this was more than she had ever done.

It had become an obsession.


	2. Chapter 2

Cullen was trying to work, but he couldn’t concentrate properly, the altercation with Lia still playing on his mind. He’d almost gone back to see her, but decided against it. He didn’t want to upset her more than he had, not sure how far she would go. She was unlike herself, the issue of her brother must have affected her more than they thought. The outburst in the War Council, she was like a completely different person, as if she had been substituted by someone else.

There was a knock at the door and he looked up to see Josephine enter. She appeared a little breathless.

“Cullen, is the Inquisitor here with you?” she asked, worried and glancing around.

Cullen sighed. “No, Ambassador. Have you tried Dorian? She’s more than likely with him, or maybe Bull.” Why did everyone automatically assume she was with him? 

“I’ve already spoken to them and neither of them have seen her today. I checked her room and it doesn’t appear she was there last night, the fire is cold. When did you last see her?” Her pen tapped against her clipboard as she spoke, making the candle flicker.

“Erm, yesterday after the meeting.” He rubbed his neck nervously. “She...was not herself, and I left.” He had never seen Lia physically aggressive like that before. And he was uncomfortable about how he responded, pushing her as he did.

“I’m concerned, particularly after her outburst yesterday. It was so unlike her.” She looked at him. “Have you noticed any other...changes...in her conduct lately?” she added hesitantly.

“Not in the sense you’re thinking of, Ambassador. But we know she’s not been the same since the Winter Palace.” he replied.

“Yes, indeed.” She sighed, looking down at her clipboard. 

Cullen had a thought. “Let me check the stables, see if her horse is there. Perhaps she went for a ride?” he suggested.

“Ah, good idea. Does she often do that?” Josephine asked.

“Not often, but right now, I don’t know what would be normal for her,” he admitted. The fact that her friends hadn’t seen her was strange. 

“Let me find out, and I’ll come and let you know,” he said, watching Josephine nodding.

“I’ll be my office. Thank you Commander.” Josephine turned and left.

Cullen headed down to the stables. Lia’s horse, Blade, was gone. Maybe she had gone for a ride? He went to the gate guard to check when she’d left. He was told the early hours of the morning and then knew something was wrong. It was late morning now. If she had gone for a ride, she should have been back by now. On a whim he went back to the stables. He asked Dennet if any other mounts were missing. Cole’s was gone too.

He began to think she’d done something rash this time. What was she thinking? Cullen headed to her room. Josephine was right, it didn’t look like anyone had been here last night. Cullen checked the closet, her armour and staff were gone. He stood there, his gloved hand rubbing his forehead, trying to imagine where she could have gone. It must be something to do with her brother, that was her only focus now. She was single minded to the point of obsession. But first he needed to speak to Josephine.

He found Leliana with Josephine when he arrived. They both turned to look at him as he walked over to them. He guessed they must have been discussing Lia.

“Her mount, staff and armour are gone. It’s possible Cole is with her. Wherever they have gone, I would assume it’s to do with Loren. What I do know, is that we have to find out where,” he reported. And quickly, judging by her behaviour.

“Well, at least she’s not alone. Although I’d be happier if there was more than the two of them. What happens if they run into a large force of Venatori or Red Templars? We still have Corypheus to deal with and we can’t lose her...” Leliana appeared a little less composed than normal. 

Josephine stepped in. “But why is she behaving like this? I understand she was upset, but this is so out of character. Do you think...?” she paused, frowning.

“Go on Josie,” Leliana said.

“Well, could this be the red lyrium she was infected with? I don’t know enough, but perhaps it could be a side effect?” Josephine suggested. 

In that moment Cullen remembered Lia’s words back at the Winter Palace. “Try coping with it. It’s not been the same since that night when...” 

A cold shiver ran down his spine. Maker, no. Was it his fault, again? He had to speak to Solas. Cullen only vaguely remembered what he said about possible side effects. Her recovery had gone well, or so they thought. Apart from the loss of her barriers, she hadn’t mentioned any other side effects. 

He didn’t notice the two of them watching him; he wasn’t aware he had a startled look on his face.

“Cullen?” Leliana addressed him.

“Sorry, I was thinking about what Josephine said. I’ll speak to Solas and see if he can help.” He had to find out. But he also needed to see Lia’s file, to find out what was driving her. Just in case they were connected.

“Leliana, I’d like access to your file on the Inquisitor. There was something she mentioned, something perhaps connected her brother. Whatever it was, it had a significant impact on her. It may be related to all of this.” He went to leave.

Leliana called after him, “Cullen, I think I know what she referred to. I’ll have it sent to you.” 

“Thank you,” he replied and left to find Solas. 

When he’d gone, Leliana spoke to Josephine. “You know how we wondered if there was more to that red lyrium matter, well now I’m sure. I may have questions for both of them, once we find Li.”

\---------------------------------------------------------

Cullen and Solas had retired to Cullen’s office. Cullen did not want others to overhear their conversation. Only four people knew what happened that night and Lia had wanted to keep it that way. Cullen knew she wanted to protect him, which was ironic considering what had happened to her.

“Solas, I don’t know if you are aware, but the Inquisitor has...disappeared, and we’re not sure where yet.” He began.

“I did wonder, when Josephine was searching for her earlier” he replied, calmly. Cullen wondered if there anything this man didn’t notice. 

“Yes, well. It’s her recent behaviour that concerns me; she has been more aggressive, erratic. Could this be connected to what happened before with the red lyrium and the...erm...” Cullen stalled trying to find the word.

“Asphyxiation?” Solas offered.

“Yes, thank you.” Cullen acknowledged.

“The incident took place weeks ago. I would have thought any behavioural changes should have shown up sooner. Has there been no indication until now?” Solas enquired, hands behind his back, eyebrows gently furrowed.

“Well...” Cullen began, sighing. How could he explain this? His hand went to the back of his neck.

“Cullen, I do need to know,” Solas insisted, eyes fixed on Cullen now.

“There were changes...on an...intimate level...but nothing else that I saw.” His face was now a rosy red colour and Solas looked away, evidently to save him more embarrassment. He exhaled in relief.

Cullen continued. “But she did receive disturbing news recently about her brother. We don’t know for certain, but he may be a Red Templar.” He saw Solas turn back, eyebrows raised now.

Solas thought for few moments before he spoke. “Without being able to examine the Inquisitor, I can only make a guess. It could be the red lyrium, or brain damage, combined with shock, or...a blood clot that became dislodged during the incident, and has now travelled to her brain. But as I said, I need to examine her. If it is a blood clot, we need to find her, quickly.”

Cullen’s heart sank, he knew what a blood clot meant. “Maker’s breath,” he uttered softly, his eyes closing briefly, his face betraying the pain he felt. If anything happened to her again because of him... 

“Cullen,” Solas’ voice was gentle. “What we do need to do is concentrate on finding out where she is, as a matter of urgency.”

“I understand...” he was interrupted by a messenger entering.

“Commander...” the man began.

“What?” Cullen barked, glaring at him.

“...the information from Sister Nightingale. She said it was urgent.” He offered a sealed envelope.

“Yes, of course. Thank you,” Cullen responded quietly, taking it from the messenger. 

Before the man left, he picked up a piece of paper that had fluttered across the floor. “Commander, I think this may be yours?” he handed it over and left.

Cullen was about to throw it on his desk when he spotted Cole’s writing. He recognised it from notes Cole sent him. There was one word, ‘Therinfal’. He turned to Solas.

“I think we might have our destination,” he said, handing the paper to Solas.

The door swung open, and Dorian entered dramatically as usual, with Bull behind him.

“Ah Cullen, I take it you’re already formulating a plan to go after Li. When you go, Bull and I are coming with you. No need to thank us, we wouldn’t dream of letting you go without our help,” Dorian announced. 

Solas spoke. “I think that would be an excellent idea, just in case we come across any trouble. If it turns out to be the worst case scenario, the sooner we reach her the better.”

“What worst case scenario?” Dorian asked, glancing at Solas and then Cullen, who were looking at each other.

“There’s something else isn’t there?” Bull questioned. “I can see it in your faces, Ben-Hassrath, remember. I would suggest you tell us. Boss isn’t right, and if we’re coming, we need to know what we’re dealing with.” He folded his arms.

Solas turned to Cullen, “Perhaps it’s best if you answer this, I am not party to all the events.”

Dorian and Bull were now watching him, waiting for an explanation. This was the last thing Cullen wanted to do, to relive what happened. And to two people who were very protective of the woman he loved, and had almost killed. It was bad enough having to face the consequences of what he’d done. He toyed with just telling them part of the story, but that would sound worse. He would have to tell them everything.

The night it happened, Cole had explained the events to Solas. This time the words would have to come from him, he would have to confess to his actions. Maker forgive him, he had never forgiven himself. And he doubted that Dorian and Bull would, even though he’d become closer to them through Lia.

“Alright, but please hear me out, hear the whole story first.” Cullen began to explain.

As he got to the part where she came to his room, he could see Dorian’s face getting darker, fidgeting with his gloves. Bull stood impassive, almost immobile, just his eyes moving as Cullen paced slightly, his hand moving up to his neck and then down again in a nervous cycle.

“...and trust me, you there isn’t anything you can say to me I haven’t already said to myself. What I’ve done...I will always regret.” he finished, staring at his desk, his body burning with shame.

Suddenly, Dorian pinned him up against the bookcase, one hand on his chest, and the other raised in a fist ready to punch him.

“Kadan, stop!” yelled Bull, as Solas shouted “Wait!”

Dorian paused, glaring menacingly at Cullen.

Solas spoke, his voice calm, measured. “Dorian. If the Inquisitor does not blame Cullen, and she doesn’t, nor should you. After all, she has the most reason to be angry. It was an accident, an unfortunate combination of events, all coming together to create the perfect storm. She didn’t want anyone to know because she was concerned about the Commander. If you respect her wishes, I would urge you to reconsider your actions.”

Cullen saw Dorian thinking, then unclench his fist and move his hand away. “Fine,” he hissed. “If Li forgives you, I’ll respect her wishes. But Cullen, if it happens again, you won’t need to worry about feeling guilty. You won’t feel anything.” He let go and stormed out.

Cullen went to speak, but Bull put his hand up, stopping him. “I’ll talk to him, he is angry right now, but he will calm down. You did attack his best friend, who he would give his life for. Solas is right, it’s Boss’s decision that matters. Dorian’s probably angry at himself as well. He did push the two of you together. As for me, just make sure you look after her from now on. I’m sure you’ll do that, won’t you Cullen?” The last sentence was more an order rather than a request.

Cullen answered, his voice steady. “Dorian isn’t the only one who’d give his life for her. And Bull, I will always protect her, even from me.”

Bull smiled. “Good man, I know you will. Let us know when you are ready to leave and I’ll get Dorian moving.” 

Bull nodded at Solas, who returned the gesture, and he left.

Solas watched Bull walk away. “Tell me Cullen. Is it true that confession is good for the soul?”

“Ask me after my heart has started again,” Cullen replied, without thinking. He was grateful not to have been battered to a pulp. Dorian was stronger than he realised.

“Very good,” chuckled Solas. “I didn’t realise you had such a sense of humour.”

“Well, I’ll go and get my things ready. I would suggest we get underway as soon as everyone else has too,” he nodded at Cullen and left.

Cullen started his own preparations. They could use the Inquisition camps on their way, but would also need to take provisions. He picked up the envelope from Leliana and put in his backpack. He could read it on the way. It would take them a few days to get there, and Lia had at least half a day’s start on them. He needed to update the other advisors on the situation, and then gather everyone up to leave.

However bad he felt, the priority was finding Lia and bringing her home. His feelings, his hurt could wait. She was the one who needed help urgently, because she needed to be ready to face whatever was to come.


	3. Chapter 3

They set up camp for the night. Cullen figured they should reach Therinfal the following day. Where Lia was, they had no idea. She hadn’t used any of the Inquisition camps as they had, obviously not wanting to be tracked. Their progress was impeded by messages having to be sent back and forth. He needed to keep her other advisors informed of their progress, and they sent information to him about Corypheus’ movements in the Arbor Wilds. Rylen was called back from the Western Approach to take charge while Cullen was away, to begin preparations for their march there. However, Cullen still needed to provide advice and instruction. 

Initially, Morrigan would only speak to the Inquisitor about her suspicions, about what Corypheus was searching for. Once the situation with Lia was explained to her, she showed Leliana. He knew they needed to get Lia back to Skyhold, whatever state she was in. 

Cullen hadn’t been able to review Lia’s file yet. He had to find what made Lia so single minded in chasing any lead about Loren, to the point she was alienating all around her. He sat by the fire, and took out the envelope from his backpack. He supposed this was not all the information, only what Leliana thought was relevant. As he read the file, the significance of the events struck him. 

“Cullen.” He heard Dorian call him, and saw him sitting nearby. The two of them had made peace on the way here. Dorian was still unhappy about what had happened, but understood why it had.

“Is that the information?” he asked, throwing another stick on the fire.

“Yes and... perhaps she was right not to tell me herself. Recalling this may have been too much. Here,” he handed over the dossier. “Li may not forgive me for letting you see this, but it’s important we know what happened,” Cullen replied.

He watched Dorian reading through the pages, his face frowning now. He surmised this was a surprise to him too. He was Lia’s best friend, and probably knew her better than anyone, or thought he did. 

“Maker’s breath! It’s not often I’m truly astonished, but this...this I would have never imagined. And she never let on, not even a hint. How do you go through something like that and be so...calm and unperturbed,” his voice betraying the shock. 

Cullen nodded. “Indeed, that had occurred to me. The account tells us what happened. It doesn’t tell us what she went through, but we can imagine. You can’t go through something like that, without it catching up with you eventually. However, now we know why she went haring off.” 

Traumatic experiences were something he was familiar with. The important thing was to find Lia and see if it was this driving her, or something physical. Also, Cullen felt being with him wasn’t good for her. She needed to come to terms with her own experiences, and not be distracted by his problems.

“We need to tell Bull and Solas. But I would suggest that this goes no further.” Dorian stood up, and went fetch the others. Cullen waited.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lia and Cole arrived late in the evening at Therinfal. It was too dark to be able to scout around, so they set up camp outside. They would look around in the morning. She had to agree with Cole, although empty, the place didn’t feel right. She felt a little better now they were here, but dreaded finding out the worst. The anger was less now and Lia wondered if Cole might be keeping it under control.

She hadn’t seen him actively doing it, as she had at Skyhold, but he never left her side. As she slept, he kept watch protecting her. He didn’t need sleep in the same way she did. But her sleep was poor, no more than a few hours and she was awake again, panic setting until she realised where she was.

All those memories, things that she had buried inside, were bubbling their way up, demanding to be heard again. Now breaking out in her dreams, coming back to haunt her. At some point they would overwhelm her, the control she carefully crafted was slipping away from her. She guessed finding out about Loren was the trigger, but the incident with Cullen had begun it, awakening part of it.

The two together were enough to demolish the edifice she built to protect herself. It was such a distant memory, almost as if it hadn’t happened to her, but to someone else. Truth be told, she had forgotten most of it. Apart from the initial investigation afterwards, she had never even spoken about it, not even with Loren. The whole episode had been shameful, so she buried it. But now, the person who had stood up for her, protected her, could be suffering as a result of her decision. If it hadn’t been for Loren, she might have died or been made Tranquil.

Lia settled into her bedroll, to try and get at least a few hours sleep. Therinfal was huge and she had no idea where to start looking.

“I can help,” Cole said, “but you need to rest. Tomorrow we look.”

“Have you been listening to me, Cole?” she asked.

“I don’t need to try, you’re loud right now. Your thoughts shout out, and I can only do so much to help. Sleep now.” He took up his usual position and Lia closed her eyes. Sleep came, along with the dreams.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

The four of them were seated by the fire. Dorian looked to Cullen to tell the others, in case there were questions. Who better than an ex-Templar to explain the workings of the Chantry. Cullen needed to distance himself from the story he had to tell. This was about the Inquisitor, not the woman he loved. He sighed, then began.

“Ten years ago, the Inquisitor was based at the Ostwick Circle as you know. It appears that the person we know today was different back then. According to the record she was quite opinionated and vocal, although careful and meticulous in her studies. A promising apprentice, who the First Enchanter thought would have no problems passing her Harrowing, but ‘needed to keep her mouth under control’. 

She began a relationship with another apprentice, Alex, evidently unstable and volatile. While discouraged, liaisons between mages do happen. She was so taken with this young man that she refused to stop seeing him when her brother found out. Rather than turn a blind eye, he reported them both to the Knight-Commander.

When he did, he was told that this young man was already under investigation. They suspected him of being a blood mage, but had no definitive proof. Because of the Inquisitor’s attachment to....”

Dorian interrupted him, “Sweet Maker, Cullen, just call her Li. She may be the Inquisitor, but she’s also a person.”

Cullen continued, after another sigh. 

“...because of Li’s attachment to this young man, they suspected her as well. Loren was adamant she was not a blood mage; she was just infatuated with him. 

A decision was made to confront them together, to force Alex to show his hand, and her too if she was complicit. In hindsight, what they decided to do was wrong. It’s not something I would have done, but anyway. A squad of eight Templars, including the then Knight-Captain were assigned to the task. This squad included her brother. Again, not something I would have allowed. 

Well, they confronted them both with the accusation. Li vehemently denied that either of them were anything of the kind. The young man initially remained silent, but under further inducement, showed his colours. He seized Li, his hand around her throat...” Cullen’s voice shook slightly, and he swallowed before continuing. 

This was painful because he remembered his hand around her throat, and understood how it may have reminded her of the events.

“...and a knife pressed to her chest. They thought he was about to use Li’s blood to carry out an assault on them. As Loren reacted, wanting to protect his sister, Alex cut through her robe, intending, or so it would seem, to go through with it. The whole squad attacked, with Silence and Cleanse being thrown at them both. 

Li was trapped in the middle of this confrontation between the Templars and the young blood mage, effectively a hostage, potentially a victim. Her brother launched a Holy Smite paralysing both of them, and the young man was finally apprehended. Li, still in shock, was immediately taken away to be questioned by the Knight-Commander and First Enchanter.

They established her innocence, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of the matter. Later, they discovered Li was pregnant. As in these cases, she was removed from the Circle by the Chantry. There are places where mages stay until they give birth. The child is then taken away and the mother returned to the Circle. Li had a daughter, and when she had recovered, she was returned to Ostwick.

When she returned Li was cautious, quieter, according to the report. She passed her Harrowing a year later and went on to become one of the most steadfast members of the Circle, mentored by the First Enchanter herself. She was chosen to attend the Conclave, and the rest is history.” 

Not quite that cautious he thought, judging by the Templar training she pursued. Was that her small rebellion against who she became, or just childhood wish fulfilment? He couldn’t even guess anymore, he wasn’t sure who she was.

Cullen saw Solas and Bull watching him, evidently putting the pieces together.

Solas spoke first. “What happened to the young man?”

“He was made Tranquil, and moved to another Circle. Her family were involved in the move to get him away before she came back. The Trevelyans contribute heavily to the Chantry, and I suspect this was a favour to them.” This showed how powerful her family was. 

“You Southerners are barbaric sometimes,” said Dorian annoyed. “I’m not saying Tevinter is better, but you treat mages like prisoners. It’s not surprising they rebelled.”

“Cullen, this changes everything. I still don’t rule out there being a physical component,” Solas added. “But, should this be a result of trauma, we will need to tread carefully.”

Cullen noticed Bull had not ventured an opinion yet. He looked deep in thought, eyebrows furrowed. If anyone was good at reading people, it was Bull. The fact he hadn’t said anything worried Cullen. Bull always volunteered information or a suggestion. 

“Bull, you normally have thoughts on everything. Nothing on this?” Dorian asked.

Bull didn’t answer immediately, and Cullen thought he wasn’t even going to as they sat there watching him. Finally he looked up. For someone whose voice often boomed, this time he spoke softly.

“I think it depends on what she finds out and how bad it is. I’m guessing here, because if she has repressed parts of her personality for so long, and now her restraint is gone, she will struggle to establish who she really is. We’re looking at anger, fear, and confusion; not to mention guilt about her brother. She may even turn on us, or herself.” 

There was silence for a while, just the sounds of wildlife around them, the wind rustling and the fire crackling.

“Well, I suggest we get some sleep. Tomorrow may be a long day, and we need our minds as clear as possible.” Solas got up, wishing them goodnight and headed for his bedroll. 

Dorian and Bull were next to go. But Cullen wasn’t quite ready yet, facing sleep tonight, and possibly dreams, was difficult. He began to wonder if the person they thought they knew even resembled the real Lia. One of the things that had drawn him was her calmness, her quiet confidence. But was that her, or just part of the facade. How different would she be now? He felt guilty, not only for what he’d done, but because he wasn’t sure if he would feel the same for this other Lia.

He didn’t hear Bull’s words to Dorian. 

“Cullen will either help her or break her. I don’t know which yet, but he will be the key, one way or another.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Lia woke up screaming, sweating, and shaking. Where was she? Not back in the Circle, thank the Maker! She felt her face wet, had she been crying too? She hardly ever cried, the last time was...she couldn’t remember the last time. Was she losing her mind now? There was a hand on her arm, and she panicked until she heard Cole’s voice.

“Rest, sleep,” he said soothingly and Lia lay back down. She eventually fell asleep, but Cole knew it wouldn’t be long before she woke again. It was getting harder to calm her. 

He knew the others weren’t far, he just needed to keep her as settled as best he could. And as distracted as he could, so she wouldn’t find out about her brother until they arrived. She thought the worst, but hoped it wasn’t true. Cole knew it was, he had seen Loren Trevelyan at Therinfal, and he didn’t like him.


	4. Chapter 4

Lia was moving through the castle, trying to find any scrap of information, but the place was a mess. Not only that, it was confusing to negotiate; twists, turns, corridors that ended nowhere, rooms leading to other rooms. She had to find more offices, places where documents would be kept. Cole had suggested they split up and search separately. When he was here, his focus had been on the Templars, he said. 

Lia was surprised he left her alone and began to wonder if he was watching her secretly. She shook her head, that was just being paranoid. Her thoughts and feelings were confused, erratic; nothing was clear anymore. Anger had driven her to Therinfal, but now fear bled in, fear of finding out Loren was no longer her kin, but an enemy that wanted to kill her. If that was the case, would she be brave enough to kill him? If he was red, there was no way back, he was corrupted.

She came to a large courtyard, with doors coming off either side. Maker, even more rooms to check. Lia was so tired, having little sleep over the last few days. It felt like they’d searched for hours now; she wouldn’t be able to go on for much longer. Lia decided to start at one end and work her way along. The first few doors led to storerooms, and an armoury. Then she came upon a locked door. For the first time, it seemed promising. It was in the corner, perhaps overlooked in the previous search by the Chargers. Understandable, because of the layout of Therinfal.

Locked, she needed Cole. She called to him, but he didn’t come at first. She tried again and eventually he appeared.

“Cole, please could you open this door for me, I want to check inside.” She smiled wanly at him. 

For a moment she thought he hesitated before picking the lock. Lia tried hard to settle herself, she hoped this room might lead to a discovery, information, anything. As soon as the door opened and Cole stepped back, she headed inside. It was an office and a red lyrium repository. Vials and parchment were strewn all over the room, and boxes of more lyrium, but the liquid in the vials was blue. If they held to Templar procedures, this must be the Commander’s office. 

Her eyes scanned the room, wondering where to start, there was too much here, and her head hurt. She needed to sit down, try to focus, and went to the desk at the back of the room, flopping in the chair, closing her eyes. When she opened them, she saw the body in the corner, or what was left of it, red lyrium crystals growing there. It was wearing the armour of a Knight-Vigilant. They’d all been presumed dead, but this poor soul had survived, only to end up here, his body material for corruption.

Focus, Lia, focus, you’re here for Loren. Turning to examine the desk, there seemed to be orders strewn over it. She shuffled forward and began gathering up all the documents.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The four of them had pushed their mounts hard after breaking camp. Cullen estimated they should reach Therinfal by late morning, and he’d been right. Riding up to the gates, he saw the place looked deserted. He worried that some of the Templars may have come back, and what that would mean if Lia and Cole had to go up against them. A rational, clear headed Lia would be a force in herself, but the person he saw last was leagues from that.

The party rode in and dismounted, tying up their tired horses. They were stuck here until their mounts had rested for a while. Had they come here as he’d suggested, none of this would have happened. He pushed for the Templars to be chosen to seal the Breach, but had been outvoted. Why didn’t they listen to him back then? But what was done was done, now they had to find Lia, and Maker only knew what state she was in.

“It looks like we might have to split up to find them, this place is huge,” Bull suggested. “But into two groups, it would be best if we don’t work alone, just in case. Dorian can come with me, we’ll start one side and you two can start the other. Agreed?”

“Agreed,” Cullen replied, and heard Dorian and Solas echo him.

“No!” came Cole’s voice as he appeared. “I can take you to her, she’s looking, it won’t be long. Angry, afraid, can’t contain it all, everything falling away. Harder to help, harder to soothe. We have to go, follow me,” and with that he walked away.

The four of them looked at each other before following on behind him. It was probably just as well, Cullen thought, the place was a maze. It would have taken them too long searching on their own. Down corridors, through rooms, up stairs. He hoped that Cole knew how to get them back out to the main courtyard once they’d found her.

Suddenly Cole stopped. “Found it, she knows, she sees. Her brother, dark and red and obedient. We have to help her...” and off he ran, the rest of them racing after him until they finally got to a courtyard.

“There,” Cole said pointing at an open door. 

“Li!” Dorian shouted, to be met by a crackle and then a lightning bolt shooting from the doorway. It barely missed them as it hit the wall behind and scattered. Then a cage of lightning covered the door, preventing them from getting closer. 

“Maker’s breath, doesn’t she realise it’s us?” Dorian exclaimed. 

“Not safe, not safe. They’re coming for me. She’s confused. We have to show her it’s safe. Cullen you have to tell her.” Cole turned to him. 

“Me? The last time she pushed me away. Why would she listen to me now?” he asked.

“Look Cullen, unless you can negate her magic, and without the lyrium I guess that’s a no, I should listen to what the kid suggests.” Bull insisted forcefully.

“Last time you asked questions, ones she was afraid to answer, afraid to see your face if you knew. But now, you know don’t you? Tell her, and give her the safe word. I can calm her then, just enough.” Cole nodded.

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck. “Alright,” he sighed.

As they both walked forward, another Static Cage went up, blocking them.

“Does she have any lyrium potions with her?” Cullen asked, worried how long she might keep this up.

“No, she stopped using them. She...didn’t want you to taste it.” Cole replied.

Sweet Maker, she’d done that for him? She never told him. 

“Well, let’s try it your way, Cole,” Cullen said, unsure whether this would work. He waited for the Cage to ebb away, so she could hear him.

“Li, it’s me. I’ve come to help.” Cullen waited a moment in case another Cage went up, but nothing, and no response. 

He walked forward to the doorway, praying she wouldn’t throw one up now. He would end up in the middle of it if she did. He took a deep breath and walked into the room, stopping just inside the door. He couldn’t see her. Walking a little further in, he spoke again.

“I did what you said, I’ve seen your file..and I know what happened back at Ostwick with Loren and...Alex. Li, I’m still here, and I’ve come to take you home.” Cullen tried to keep his voice as gentle and steady as he could, hoping she wouldn’t panic again.

Again no response, but he could hear shuffling from what sounded like behind the desk. Slowly he continued, trying not to step on the vials scattered all over the floor. He had seen enough red lyrium already and certainly didn’t want to break a vial of the refined stuff. As he reached the desk, he saw Lia sitting on the floor, hunched up, parchment spread all around her, her hand clutching a piece, partially ripped. She was rocking gently, her head slumped against her chest, no acknowledgement that he was there.

He moved toward her slowly and bent down, sitting on his haunches, nervous how she would react.

“Li? Remember our safe word, when it’s enough...nug? It’s enough now Li and you’re safe. I’m here and you’re safe.” He stretched out his hand carefully, and gently lifted up her chin. 

When he saw her face, her eyes, she didn’t even seem to see him. Her eyes were blank, expressionless, staring not at him, but through him. But she was still and not throwing out lightning at least. He didn’t know if Cole was here and calming her, he couldn’t see him. What should he do? He wanted to get her out of this room and back into the courtyard, this space was too enclosed. And Solas needed to examine her. If there was something physically wrong, she would need healing quickly.

Cullen took a chance, he tugged off the glove on his other hand with his mouth, and began to stroke her face, deliberately using the roughness of his fingers to see if she recognised him. He glanced at the piece of parchment held tightly in her hand. 

“Li, what did you find? Can you show me?” his voice was gentle, but slightly firm too. He didn’t know if it would work with her, but it was worth a try.

The rocking stopped and her eyes seemed to focus on him. She looked at the parchment and extended her hand to him. Cullen took it from her. It was a list of Templar Knight-Captains and the progress of their corruption. He scanned down the list, Denam, Caroll, Fornier, Paxley and Trevelyan. 

Maker’s breath! He had been turned. Cullen read the notes under Loren’s name. ‘Has responded well to red lyrium and is most effective in persuading the lower ranks to take it. Reputation of duty to the order evident, and could prove to be a useful second in command. Distaste for sister as Herald. Not to be used directly in attack on Haven. Hold for future campaigns.’ He could be still alive. Lia had been right; she may have yet to face him.

Cullen looked back up to see Lia watching him. “My fault, all my fault,” she said weakly. 

“No Li, it’s not your fault. He could have come to the Inquisition as others did, he chose not to.” Cullen’s voice was firm. 

Lia continued to watch him for a few moments before she spoke again. “Never leave the Order.” Her voice was still faint.

Cullen had no answer to that. He looked away trying to think of what to say, and when he turned back, her head was down again. Damn, he’d lost the connection with her. He had to get it back. If he could keep her attention, he might be able to get through to her and get them both out of here.

“Li, please look at me,” he said softly. He saw her hesitate, then look back up. 

Cullen sat down on the floor and moved closer to her, seeing her watch him. He felt as if he was dealing with a nervous animal that might spook at any moment, only this one had an arsenal of weapons to hand. He’d never been afraid of Lia, but right then he was wary of her. Now he was sitting next to her, her eyes still on him. Slowly, carefully, he raised his arm so she could see it.

“I’d like to hold you, is that alright?” he watched her as he spoke.

He saw her swallow and then nod. Cullen wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her gently against him. He breathed out. As he held her he could feel her heartbeat, and it was fast. This wasn’t good. She was barely moving, so it shouldn’t race like that. He definitely had to get her to Solas and quickly. 

“Li, do you trust me?” he asked. She nodded.

“Will you come with me, outside to the courtyard?” he ventured. “Solas, Dorian and Bull are here. Don’t be afraid, they want you to be safe too.” he added.

Lia didn’t respond and Cullen worried he may have pushed her too much. He knew what it was like to be traumatised, but he wasn’t sure if he knew her well enough anymore to do this right. He decided to wait rather than ask her again. 

“Alright” he heard her say, her voice wavering. She looked up at him, and he saw the fear in her eyes. “Stay with me,” she pleaded.

“I promise,” he replied. She looked so vulnerable. He couldn’t help himself, and kissed her forehead to comfort her. 

In all the time he knew Lia, he’d never seen her cry. For the first time he saw silent tears rolling down her cheeks, as she buried her head into the mane on his coat. The quietness made it all the more poignant, and Cullen felt a lump in his throat. He was reluctant to rush her, and held onto her for a little while before lifting her head up again. 

“Shall we go?” he asked, wiping her eyes. Her face was wet, along with his coat where she had rested. She nodded.

Cullen helped her up. Lia wasn’t steady on her feet, so with one arm wrapped around her shoulders, he walked her back into the courtyard.


	5. Chapter 5

Cullen sat Lia down onto some palettes. At first she refused to let go of him, but when he promised to remain nearby, she quietened, allowing Solas to examine her. Cole stood close by, helping to calm her. Cullen needed to show Bull and Dorian the information about Lia’s brother. He needed their advice on how to tackle this; he was too close and part of the problem. Right now she clung to him, but who could say what she would feel once her thoughts were clearer.

He waited as they read what Lia had discovered.

Bull shook his head and groaned. “Crap. Now every time we run into them, it’s a possibility he’ll be there? Not good for the Boss and not good for us.”

“I’m disturbed about this distaste for Li. If he tried so hard to help her, why is he against her now? This whole thing feels like...like it’s becoming some ridiculous family feud. One side pitted against the other, by forces bigger than either of them,” Dorian grumbled. “I mean, look at her. She’s bad enough already. Maker knows what will happen if she sees him. If he’s even alive.”

“Let’s hear what Solas says first, whether it’s physical, or trauma, or both.” Cullen rubbed his neck as he watched Solas talking to Lia. “I wonder if I am the best person to help her. Part of it is my doing.” She kept glancing at him, making sure he was still there. 

“Cullen, it looks to me you’re the sole thing that’s keeping her from collapsing into a complete breakdown,” Bull replied. Cullen could hear his voice softening. “Whatever doubts you have, you have to be there for her, help her.”

Cullen sighed heavily. “Of course I will, but...how do I help her if I’m not certain of the best way? If I’m not sure who she is now?” 

Bull put his hand on Cullen’s shoulder. “Boss is still the Inquisitor, you are still one of her advisors, focus on that. We know she will have to face Corypheus eventually. All of us need to be there for her, but her advisors more so. And you know what it’s like to experience something that can damage you. The woman sitting there can’t face Corypheus, and we’re all fucked unless she can.”

Bull was right, of course. Cullen had focused on his personal relationship with Lia, and he would need to set that aside. Getting her ready to face Corypheus was more important. Maybe afterwards they could look at what was possible between them. If there was an afterwards.

“I have to say, I agree with Bull,” Dorian added. “Whatever happened, Cullen, she needs you right now. And we don’t have time on our side. She is my best friend and I love her. But we will have to press her, so she can handle whatever comes.”

“You’re right.” Cullen sighed. “I will do everything I can to support her. Whatever it takes.” He had let his personal feelings override his professional duty to her as Inquisitor. 

Solas came over, having completed his examination.

“The good news is I can detect no damage, no blood clots, nothing of that nature, apart from her body being under a great deal of physical stress. I suspect as a result of struggling to process the memories from the past.” 

Cullen handed Solas the parchment. He read it through and then looked at them all.

“Oh...this does put quite a different light on matters. My expertise lies more with the physical side, but this information, combined with her recollection, suggests we have a problem. We should get her away from here as soon as possible, and back to Skyhold. 

Cole informs me she has hardly eaten, and had little sleep, due to dreams that leave her distressed. More than anything she needs rest, and then food. She did mention a constant headache, and I noticed light bruising on her forehead. Pain relief often has a soporific effect, and this may relax her enough to allow her to rest properly. Even a few hours could help.”

Cullen knew exactly where the bruise was from, their altercation before she left. Nothing seemed to happen without a cost attached. His chin was still sore, but not bruised.

“That would work, the horses need to rest awhile longer before we start back,” Cullen replied.

He noticed Solas looking at him.

“Cullen, if you could come with me when I administer the pain relief, she will listen if you ask her to accept it. Your presence pacifies her.” 

“Of course,” Cullen nodded and went with Solas back to Lia.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lia woke up, confused, until she remembered where she was. There hadn’t been any dreams this time, maybe because of the pain relief. Whatever it was, she was grateful. She looked around for Cullen. There was no sign of him. Dorian was sitting nearby and she could see the concern in his face. 

“Hello darling. How are you feeling?” Dorian asked gently.

Lia’s mind cycled slowly through the options. Angry, fearful, despairing, guilty? What could she say? She settled on something more innocuous.

“Tired,” she answered. She wanted Cullen. “Where’s Cullen?”

“Gone to check on the horses, he’ll be back soon.” Dorian looked sad. “You have me in the meantime.” He moved closer and took her hand. “Whatever you need, I’m always here for you.” 

Lia knew he meant well, but she didn’t deserve kindness and sympathy. She didn’t want to be fussed over, she didn’t want forgiveness. She betrayed her brother; she betrayed all those Templars Loren had corrupted. All of them made to serve Corypheus, and all her responsibility. She hated Corypheus, she hated Samson, she even hated Loren for what he’d done, but most of all she hated herself. Dorian wanted to help her, but she didn’t want his help. She wanted to tell Dorian to go away, but it wasn’t his fault. She sighed.

“Thank you,” was all she said, dredging up a semblance of a smile. 

He nodded and let go of her hand, moving back to his seat. 

Lia looked away. They didn’t know who she used to be. They only knew who she became. But she wasn’t sure which parts were real and which were made up now, it all kept shifting and morphing. There was no certainty, no stability, nothing to cling onto inside her. She saw no way back and no way forward. There was only the moment and who she was then. 

Lia stared at the blades of grass in the courtyard. Everything seemed to slow down and she felt so tired. She lay back down on the bedroll and went to sleep. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

When Lia woke again, it was dark and they were no longer at Therinfal. She sat up and looked around. They were all asleep, except Cole. She got up and went to sit next to him.

“Can you make me forget?” she asked. He would know what she meant.

“No, too much and too entangled. I can’t separate the old you.” he replied, cocking his head at her. “You think it’s bad, but it’s not. It never really left. Only quieter, until...he found it. Even before that night. Both are you, old and new. One part made stronger, other weaker. Both were always you, and will be you.”

“I don’t want both, I can’t cope with both! It feels like I’m fighting with myself,” she lamented, her voice louder. “And the anger and the rest of it all. Dammit!” She was angry again.

“You think he won’t love you, none of them will like you if they see,” Cole said.

“They won’t. They don’t know what I did, what happened because of who I was. He does, and I can see the change in him.” she shouted. 

She saw how he didn’t look at her same way when he spoke to her. He cared, but not like before. But she needed him, and he needed the person he loved.

The rest of the party had roused at the sound of Lia’s raised voice.

“They know,” came Cole’s reply.

Lia’s eyes widened and she stepped backwards, as if Cole had struck her. “Th...They...know?” she stuttered. “All...of them?”

“Yes, and they still care.”

Lia didn’t register Cole’s last words; she was shocked that Cullen had told the rest of them. That information was for him. She knew he would have to know. But to tell them all? Why would he do that? She trusted him, believed in him, and he betrayed her, again. He was the rock she clung to, but no more. 

As she let go of him, her mind finally gave in and gave way. There was nothing, no thoughts, no sounds, no vision, just empty darkness. Then everything came back in an avalanche, her thoughts, her senses, all rushing back in, overpowering her. Lia screamed, clutching her head protectively.

They were all watching her, and she couldn’t stand it. She had to get away. Lia ran, hearing shouts follow her as she raced into the woods. 

As Cullen and Dorian chased after her, Bull walked over to Cole. 

“Kid, you’d better have a damn good reason for telling her that,” he glowered.

“Need to be whole. Break the last link, Cullen. She had to let go of everything before she could heal, start again. Like when you went to the re-educators,” he replied.

Bull thought for a moment. “I see your point. I just hope you’re right. Not everyone can get through being reset. And if she doesn’t, we’re all screwed.” He grunted. “Not to mention, how do we get her back now she’s flipped.”

“She will come back,” Cole assured them. Bull shook his head, sighing.

Solas had been listening to their conversation. “Cole, this is a risk. Are you sure it will help her?” he queried.

“Yes, only way. Otherwise tortured, trapped, forever angry and afraid. Then madness.” Cole replied.

“Well, let’s hope it works. I don’t hold out much hope for their relationship though,” Bull remarked, walking away.

“Sometimes you have to break something to mend it,” Cole said quietly.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NB Includes a brief description of forced removal of a child from its mother after birth.

Lia ran. She could hear people following her. Why couldn’t they just leave her alone? 

Her head was crawling with sensations, thoughts and emotions. All colliding, converging, splitting. She desperately wanted them just go away. Quiet, she needed quiet. She couldn’t, didn’t want to talk. Words were too heavy, and her thoughts too rapid. 

She had to make them go away. She stopped running and waited. Her heart was beating fast, blood pounding in her head, her breath ragged. They rushed forward, calling to her, their faces worried, dismayed. They had to leave, she needed them to leave. 

Lia found her voice and yelled “Stop!” her hands on her thighs, head bent, eyes scrunched up. 

Cullen and Dorian stopped dead. They glanced at each other and back at Lia. Dorian went to speak, but Lia cut him off.

“Leave..me...please,” she dragged out. Each word an effort. Her eyes now open and head up, looking at them, pleading with them.

Cullen saw the expression on her face, it was one he recognised. They were making it harder by being there. He couldn’t appreciate what was going through her head, but he realised they were overwhelming her. He recalled how that felt. People with good intentions making what was churning inside worse. What he wanted to do was reach for Lia and hold her, but what he needed to do was walk away. 

She had given him time after Adamant when he needed it. He would do the same for her, hard though it was. 

Cullen laid his hand on Dorian’s arm. “She needs us to leave her. We have to,” he stated quietly.

“Are you serious? We can’t just walk away.” Dorian looked appalled at the notion.

“Dorian, please trust me. We will make it worse if we remain,” he responded resolutely. 

Cullen saw Dorian was reluctant to leave her alone, wishing to protect her. So did he, but it wasn’t what she wanted.

“I want her to be safe as well, but it’s uncomfortable for her with us here. She can defend herself, as she proved at Therinfal. And I suspect Cole will reach her long before us if there was danger.” He tugged lightly on Dorian’s arm and drew him away.

They walked back to camp, Dorian glancing over his shoulder from time to time, until she was out of sight. Cullen wasn’t happy leaving her there either.

Lia saw Cullen and Dorian leave. She exhaled, relieved that they had left her alone. Cullen had recognised what she needed, wanted. If anyone would, it was him. Lia was agitated and angry with him for disclosing her secrets, yet no one had understood her as he did. Or the person she was. The initial shock and panic passed, but her emotions and thoughts were still crashing in her head. Her heartbeat slowed, and the pounding in her head began to abate. She sat on the ground, her head in her hands. Finally, she had peace.

Lia tried to focus, and couldn’t. Everything was a jumble. She gave up and stopped struggling, letting her mind drift. It was all back, the memories, who she’d been, what she’d done, things buried, things forgotten. It felt like resurrecting the dead. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alex. For him being Tranquil might as well have been death. She overhead other apprentices talking, no one told her. After that night, he was taken away and she never saw him again. Until that night, she never suspected him of being a blood mage, part of her was still not sure he was. Lia knew he was fascinated by forbidden magic, she thought it was for show, to impress her, part of his dangerous side. That side of him fascinated and enthralled her. Being risky, pushing the line, she loved that. And she loved him.

And she loved their baby, taken away from her, pulled out of her hands, her child crying, her sobbing. The midwife had allowed Lia to hold her, normally forbidden, until one of the Mothers had come in and seen them together. Part of her, her flesh, her blood, wrenched away to be given to Maker knew who. Most likely to be watched, children of mages often developed magic. She even gave her a name, Allia, their names combined. Foolish and silly, and sentimental.

Then the Chantry lectures intensified. She was reckless, wicked and her behaviour needed to change. Didn’t she know she was lucky not to have been punished for her actions? Be obedient, be controlled, be quiet, or next time there will be consequences. Your family won’t step in again. We will be watching you. 

Lia returned to Ostwick, and to the whispers and glances as she tried to rebuild her life. The First Enchanter, Lydia, had taken her under her wing, and that made it worse. Trevelyan breaks the rules and gets special treatment. Typical, she’s from a noble family, and her parents are powerful. She wanted to shout, scream and hit people. But it wasn’t their fault, it was hers. Lia kept quiet, studied hard and soon it was forgotten, replaced by the next scandal and the gossip switched to someone else. 

Somewhere along the line the quiet, calm, obedient Lia submerged the vocal risk taker. That Lia shrank back inside, forgotten, but seemingly not gone. Until Cullen found her again. 

Cullen.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

Arriving back at camp, Dorian went straight to Bull. 

Cullen sat by the fire staring into the flames. He couldn’t sleep, still thinking about Lia. Throwing a couple of logs on to keep it going, he remembered her shocked face when Cole revealed they all knew what happened to her at Ostwick. Maker, would she ever forgive him? Twice now, he let her down, he didn’t want there to be another time. 

The first time he saw her, still a prisoner, he could barely keep his eyes off her. She said little, but her voice, her eyes and the way she looked at him. Something inside him woke up that day. As he left, and Cassandra’s group moved on, he prayed she would live, so he could see her again. Days later, when Cassandra bought her into their makeshift War Room in the Chantry, to meet the three of them, what he said didn’t come close to what he felt. Pleased she survived was what he said. What he wanted to say was overjoyed, and could you love me?

He never forgot the kiss in Haven, but it wasn’t until she admitted she loved him that he knew there was a chance. He loved her, had loved her for so long. The way she smiled and her eyes lit up, the way she puckered and bit her lip when she was thoughtful, even the way she snorted sometimes when she laughed too much. 

When they finally came together, Maker, he had never wanted anyone the way he did her. And afraid he would hurt her, because she submitted to him so readily. Lia had persuaded him they could be safe. Even after he nearly strangled her, she convinced him again he was safe with her. He wanted to walk away, scared of what he might do, but she swayed him. She risked herself to protect him at the Shrine. She made sure he looked after himself, eating properly and resting. 

Lia had allowed him to be dangerous knowing he was safe, secure with her. But now she was no longer secure in herself. That made them being together dangerous, there was no-one to say stop. Too much had gone wrong between them, and to continue as they were would harm them both. His worry had been what he would feel for her, but the greater concern was actually what they would end up doing to each other. Cullen understood that he needed to walk away from Lia, for the good of them both.

He hoped she could reach some kind of equilibrium, for all their sakes. He would do everything he could to support her, and would always be there for her, no matter what.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What Lia felt for Cullen was different. It was slower, liking him, liking him more, loving him, and then falling in love with him. She thought she knew him, until she slept with him. Then the darker side of him came out, but she loved that too. From the first time when he asked “Are you misbehaving?” she was lost to him. Letting him take over, direct her, control her in their sex life, she wanted that, and him, so much. 

Even now, when she was hurt and angry with him, she knew what he did was with the best intentions. That was just the way Cullen was, honourable. It was always her pushing him. Persuading him that was safe to let the darker side of himself out; that he was safe around her after he nearly killed her, even though he wanted to walk away; asking him to fulfil her fantasies. She was submissive to his dominance, but it was her that encouraged him. It was always her that was ultimately in control. When she was angry back at Skyhold, she made him walk away. He gave in to her, again. 

Cole was right, the duality was her, had always been her. What she couldn’t see was how to reconcile the two, how to become whole. Trying to repress one part hadn’t worked, it just made things worse. Right now she was veering from one to the other, both vying for dominance. A mind at war with itself. And now she wasn’t a lowly apprentice at Ostwick who could try and hide, she was the Inquisitor. But she was still being watched, and this time her decisions, her choices, could affect nations.

Lia wished she’d died at the Temple, and that someone else was in her place. Someone whose mind wasn’t fucked up and could go up against a darkspawn magister. Because right now, she had no hope, right now she was a liability. To herself, to Cullen, to everyone.

There was one thing she could do, what she should have done before; stop putting him into situations where he had to choose between her and her role. Lia needed to walk away from Cullen.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dawn was breaking when Cullen saw Lia return. 

She stopped and scanned the camp. Everyone else was sleeping, except for Cole. Cullen had been awake for most of the night, and looking at her face, so had she. When she saw him, she made her way over and sat near, but not next to him. 

He wasn’t sure what to say to her. Did she even want to speak to him? Should he say something to her now or later? Maker, he made the decision, but looking at her, how fragile she appeared, would he make it worse for her? His instinct was to protect her, to keep her safe. He recalled how she clung onto him at Therinfal, scared, pleading for him not to leave her. She didn’t look scared now, but he could see she was struggling. Maybe he should...

“Cullen?” Lia called to him.

“Yes?” he answered, his eyes meeting hers, those beautiful ice blue eyes, now red and bloodshot. 

Cullen watched as she got up, and stood in front of him. She took hold of his hand, placed something in it and folded his fingers over it. She leant forward and kissed him.

“I’m sorry,” Lia said softly. 

He knew what it was before he opened his hand. It was the coin he gave her.

“So am I,” Cullen replied quietly.

He looked up at her, a lump in his throat, and saw her eyes glinting before she walked away. He put the coin back in his pocket.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts/comments/feedback about this piece would be most welcome. Thanks :)
> 
> It's deliberately darker than other stories in the series, going into Lia's backstory, and how Cullen reacts to his guilt, and what he feels about her when he learns about it. Thoughts on the balance would be particularly welcome.
> 
> The story continues in Synergy.


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